239
CHAPTER 11 ■ Suicide Prevention
Real People, Real Stories—cont’d
understanding of love and loss, what has been most helpful in your healing? Emmy: Yes, I think there was a point when I realized it was okay to feel some happiness. Being with people who don’t know me makes it easier. My faith and fellowship group has been an important part of healing. CoDA was helpful because we talked about how different people process things, and I could understand better how peo- ple can get stuck. I used to say that my other son had lost his brother. I couldn’t say that I had lost a son. When I had to fill out a health assessment at one point, and I had to respond to the question of how many preg- nancies I’d had, that was the most difficult question . . . because I had to acknowledge . . . the reality. And I involved myself with all the boys who were on the track team with Paul and the Listening POST and just talked about everything. Karyn: What is the most important thing that nurses need to know? Emmy: By the time we would have had any contact with nurses, it was too late. There were no ER, medical, or mental health visits prior to that. If they were to have an impact, it would have been in prevention in the schools. For example, I didn’t know at that time to ask questions like, “Are you having thoughts of hurting yourself?” and “Do you have a plan in mind?” And Paul put on a dif- ferent face for me. He wasn’t solitary; he had lots of friends; he was active on the track team. . . . Karyn: I think you’re not alone with not having been taught about things like suicide assessment. Because, as you’ve said, historically people haven’t talked about it. There is an organization called Red Flags National that promotes mental health education for students, parents, and teachers as a standard part of health education in schools. Emmy: Yes. It needs to be talked about. It’s been helpful for me to talk about it even now. I’ve never had to try to explain the story before. To learn more about Red Flags National, go to www .redflags.org.
even though I don’t think I’m codependent. It was more because I needed to talk . . . to understand how this hap- pened. I felt like I wasn’t there for him. . . . I was busy with my job and maybe I wasn’t tuned in to his moods. I was always taught that boys don’t like to talk about feelings. Karyn: Yes, I guess I’ve been taught that, too. Emmy: I just remember that night he told his dad and I that he loved us, he went to bed, and the next morning we found him. I just couldn’t make sense of it. Years later, one of Paul’s peers, who now has a teenage son, said he could finally tell me what he remembered. And there were signs. Apparently, he had said to some friends (while they were drinking alcohol), “Have you ever thought of killing yourself?” and they all laughed about it and nothing more was said. I also found out that he told an older peer, whom he had met at church camp, that he didn’t want to live. The peer smacked him and told him if he ever had thoughts like that again that he [Paul] needed to come talk to him first. But they never told anyone else; they kept it among their peers. They thought they were all-knowing, and never told an adult. He was hysterical when he found out what happened. On that last weekend, he had been partying with his friends . . . there was alcohol involved . . . and the friend that was with him told me that someday he would tell me what went down that day. But it’s 30 years later, and I still don’t know. I know he was at the party with a girl, but I’ve never been able to find her or talk with her. She went to a different school. Karyn: And much of this information that you do know came 10 or more years after his death? Emmy: Yes. Karyn: What a long journey you’ve been on trying to put all the pieces together. Emmy: (tearful) That’s exactly it. Trying to put the pieces together, sort it out . . . but it never gets solved. . . . It’s like being in a maze and you can’t get out, and I had a lot of guilt. . . . Now I recognize that he just made some tragic bad choices. Karyn: Appreciating that we don’t “get over” such tremen- dous loss but rather amend our lives with some different
Strategies for assisting survivors of suicide victims include the following: ■■ Encourage the survivors to talk to each other about the suicide and respond to each other’s viewpoints and reconstructing of events. Share memories.
■■ Be aware of any blaming or scapegoating of spe- cific family members. Discuss how each person fits into the family situation, both before and after the suicide.
Powered by FlippingBook